Behold! 9 Bad Habits That Could Ruin Your Marriage √√ The Scoper Media

     Do you pay more attention to Facebook and your smartphone than to your husband? Have you been avoiding sex? Do you hide big purchases from your partner? These behaviors hurt your marriage. But it’s not too late to change bad habits. Here are the 9 worst relationship mistakes and how to start fixing them today…

1. ADDICTION TO ANYTHING

Addiction on any level – social media, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping or gambling – can sour a marriage fast.“Your addiction quickly becomes a third party in your marriage,” says Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, Calif.Big red flag: If you feel like you’re cheating on your husband when you are doing it, you are.

It’s especially true if you’re hooked on the adrenaline rush of a new relationship – even if it’s an Internet or emotional affair and no sex is involved.“Recovery from any kind of infidelity takes time for both partners to deal with the anger, resentment, guilt and shame that results,” Bahar says.So stop, and think about what you really value and how your addictive behavior is affecting your relationship, Bahar recommends. “Exploring your values will help you gain the determination to do the hard work to repair your marriage.”Addictions are powerful. You must first want help and then pursue counseling.“Once you are on the road to recovery, you’ll be in a position to work on your marriage,” Bahar says.

An over-reliance on social media also puts a crimp on your time together as a couple.“Surfing Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, or Twitter when you could be with your partner is a bad choice,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, sex and kids. Stop fighting about three things that (Adams Media).Make your bedroom a device-free zone, and agree on a set amount of time when you will surf the Internet or play “Words With Friends.” Make mealtimes device-free too.“So many couples are focused on gadgets and not on each other. Your gadget is not going to provide happiness and fond memories,” Tessina says.“Don’t let your phone seduce you into neglecting your partner.”

2. AVOIDING SEX

If you’ve slipped into the bad habit of making excuses about why sex has dwindled or is nonexistent, your marriage may be headed for trouble.Intimacy is the glue that holds a union together.“You can’t set a potted plant in a corner for 20 years and expect it to live,” says couples therapist Valerie Shinbaum, a counselor for Westside Behavioral Care in Denver.Not in the mood? Your attitude toward your spouse may be the problem.“You need to feel good about each other to be intimate,” Tessina says. “If you constantly fight, criticize and spout negativity, you can’t be close.”

Gretchen Rubin, author of the bestseller, the happiness project (Harper Paperbacks), upped the romance factor in her own marriage by focusing on the positive in her spouse.Her advice: Try concentrating for a month on all the things you love about your husband. Decide to say “yes” a lot more often than you say “no” when he initiates sex.Men and women experience health and mental benefits from orgasms and from healthy physical touch, many studies have shown.A hug lasting 10 seconds or more lowers blood pressure and releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin  while levels of stress hormones decrease, according to a 2013 study of men and women ages 20-49 conducted by the Centre for Brain Research at the Medical University of Vienna. So go ahead and cuddle.

3. NOT COMMUNICATING

Does every conversation turn into a fight?Good communication boils down to learning to ask for what you need; don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader, Bahar notes.Avoid vague statements and assumptions, Bahar says: “Make more ‘I’ statements and clearly assert what you want.” (Think he’s not listening? Try these other 9 communication tricks)What holds us back? Blame bad patterns we saw in our families growing up, such as conflict avoidance, fear of how your husband will respond, unresolved traumas and more.“Learning to really listen to each other is so important, but can be surprisingly hard to do,” Shinbaum says.

She suggests this exercise: Sit down facing each other. One partner makes a statement while the other simply listens – without responding – and then repeats what he or she said. Sometimes, Shinbaum says, this exercise takes as many as 10 tries before the listening partner gets what the other was expressing.Women have an especially difficult time stating their needs, Bahar notes. You may find it easier if you ask yourself, How does my request serve our relationship as a couple?For example, you’re exhausted from the week and would like your husband to help with the children on Saturday morning, so you can go to your favorite yoga class. Consider how a more peaceful, rejuvenated you makes a better a partner for your husband.By running your request through this filter, you may realize that what you’re about to ask for can help strengthen the relationship.

4. TREATING YOUR HUSBAND LIKE THE ENEMY

Having a bad day?That’s not a good excuse for picking a fight.When you’re cranky and out of sorts, it’s your responsibility to be aware of that and ask for some extra space, or find a way to take care of yourself, Tessina says.Let your partner know it’s a difficult day – he may step up and be more thoughtful and considerate than usual.But if you’re always cranky, take a look at your lifestyle, and figure out what you need to improve.

John Gottman, author of (Simon & Schuster), studied 2,000 married couples over two decades. He found that contempt, criticism and defensiveness ultimately lead to divorce.Don’t dismiss what your spouse says, either through body language or verbally – like the eye roll that lets your husband know you don’t respect him, says Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, a relationship expert and author of several relationship books including Kosher Sex (Harmony) and the recently published Kosher Lust (Gefen Publishing House).“Contempt comes about when you harbor resentment that you’ve never worked through,” Boteach says.These negative attitudes creep into marriage when we get frustrated with each other – usually by unrealistic, idealistic expectations, ideas, and myths about marriage, says Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., a researcher with the Early Years of Marriage Project funded by the National Institutes of Health.

Examine your attitudes about your husband and your marriage, suggests Orbuch, a marriage therapist and research professor at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great (Delacorte Press, 2015).For example, if you’ve bought into the myth that happy couples never fight, you are more likely to bottle your emotions and stress over every disagreement, Orbuch says.Getting a good night’s sleep may help you find your better self. (Learn about more surprising benefits of being well rested).Poor sleep caused couples to be less sensitive to their partners’ needs and less likely to express gratitude, according to a 2013 UC Berkeley study of more than 60 couples 18 to 56 years old.

5. SEEING RED WHEN IT COMES TO THE GREEN STUFF

Love of money may be the root of all evil, but arguing over it is the root of many marriage woes.Squabbling over money is the top predictor of divorce, according to a 2013 study from Kansas State University. Couples tend to use harsher language when arguing about money and take longer to recover from the conflict, the study of more than 4,500 couples found.Researchers recommended that financial planning be part of marital counseling and that couples share their credit reports before marrying.“Many couples don’t know how to discuss money,” Tessina says. “When couples don’t talk about money comfortably, problems are discovered too late. Are you keeping money secrets? Are you struggling over how the money is spent or saved? Financial planning is important for a happy marriage.”Not telling your husband about a new shirt you bought doesn’t spell disaster for your marriage, but omitting large purchases or other major money commitments does.

“Financial infidelity” – when one partner lies about finances to the other – can be just as damaging as sexual infidelity, according to a 2014 National Endowment for Financial Education/Harris poll.Not only will bad money habits cause anger and bitterness, but they also can compromise your family’s future financial security. So talk openly about your shared financial picture.Here are some tips from the NEFE:

• • Recognize the signs of financial infidelity. Do you see the bills each month? Are you seeing charges you don’t recognize?

• • Approach your partner about your concerns in a nonthreatening manner.

• • Once the cards are on the table, agree on a plan moving forward.

• • Check in with each other to sustain your transparency.

6. LETTING SOMEONE COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE

Even if you’re close to your parents and siblings, draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and your spouse comes first.That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage or siding with them over him.“Once you marry, you and your partner become primary family,” Tessina says. “Discuss how to set boundaries with each other’s parents and family members. If your families have different styles and traditions, negotiate with each other first, then present a united front.”

Maybe you spend all your free time with friends or willingly put in long hours at work. Is your spouse dropping hints about how he wishes you were around more? Take that hint.Be careful to not neglect your husband in favor of your child. Children get security from seeing their parents get along, says Mark Meyers, a licensed clinical social worker in Crystal Lake, Ill. (Get tips to avoid a sexless marriage after you have children.)“Always present a united front, and if there’s something you don’t agree upon, don’t undermine your partner in front of your child.”

7. NOT FIGHTING FAIR

Do you spend more time complaining about an issue than working to resolve it?You and your spouse will inevitably have some differences. The way you settle those differences can either solidify – or tear down – your relationship.Watch your tone and timing.“Establish ground rules that reflect mutual respect and trust,” Meyers say.Validate your spouse by acknowledging the points you agree upon and practicing reflective listening, he suggests.When something bothers you, ask yourself how important the issue really is, Tessina recommends. If it’s crucial – and you must hash it out – bring it up as soon as possible to avoid built-up resentment. She suggests these fighting-fair guidelines:

• • Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem

• • Consider your partner’s point of view

• • Solve one problem at a time

• • Don’t bring up past issues

• • Avoid personal attacks and criticism

• Don’t use power tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail

Don’t avoid each other after an argument or disagreement. If there isn’t some sort of apology, you can wind up rehashing the same argument over and over again, Meyers cautions.

But if you’re doing all the apologizing, consider that your partner may be abusive.“Stand your ground when it’s appropriate,” Tessina says. “Apology can be a way to heal small rifts between you, but not if it’s all one-sided.”How quickly you calm down after an argument turns out to have a bigger effect on the overall happiness of your marriage, according to a 2013 study by University of California, Berkeley, and Northwestern University.Researchers analyzed videotaped interactions of more than 80 middle-aged and older heterosexual couples, focusing on how they recovered from disagreements. Marriages in which wives took the lead on stating the problem and offering solutions after disputes were ultimately shown to be happier, both in the short and long run.

9. FORGETTING THE LITTLE THINGS

Everyone craves reassurance and affirmations of self-worth, intimacy and closeness, and assistance, Orbuch’s long-term study reveals.Your husband looks to you to fulfill those needs. But in the crush of your busy life, you can sometimes swoop past an opportunity to pay a sincere compliment or offer to take care of a task you know he hates.Don’t ignore the importance of tender, loving gestures. Every day acts of kindness are important ingredients in a successful marriage, Orbuch’s study found.“Affection, politeness and everyday sweetness are the WD-40 of your relationship,” Tessina says. “They make everything run smoother.”The more you show appreciation to your spouse, the happier you’ll be with him.

In fact, a UC Berkeley study tracked 50 couples who wrote for a week in appreciation journals about their spouses. Those who felt more appreciated were more likely to reciprocate the following day by writing how much they appreciated their spouse.More importantly: Couples who demonstrated continuing reciprocal appreciation were less likely to break up in the next nine months and stated that they were more committed at the end of that time frame.Establish little rituals like kissing him hello in the morning and kissing each other good night, therapist Shinbaum says.Ask him if he needs anything while you’re up; surprise him with small gifts (it doesn’t have to be expensive); touch his arm or leg when sitting next to him; and say thank you when he does something for you, no matter how big or small, Shinbaum advises.Get more advice for your love life at Lifescript’s Sex & Relationships Channel